Nothing? ..Nothing, really?
I was mad because I kept rethinking and rethinking it. Not to my own prompt of course. It was prompted, and I fell for it. Kolah, sinki and all ..maybe at times I was able to gather myself and try to pump love and forgiveness for it, my own for instance p, but slowly the damages has been incurred.
I deserved it. No matter what.
It was always detrimental financially. Mostly, that’s all. Just about day to day living. I am not really thinking about riched lost. Somehow or rather I intuitively…nah, it was from comprehensions..that those riches, were not even mine to begin with.
Usually I’m okay with it.
So, the part that I can fault myself goes down to how I manage my financials. Betullah kata Kak Adibah Noor, the chanteuse, baik simoan duit, walaupun changes sekalipun ..speaking from someone who have gone down the road ..20 years of it, truthfully speaking.
This stage is about controlling impulses. Anout confronting fear, face to face. I am not a shopaholic but I revel in the notion and has let myself enjoy it ..isn’t this denial too much already ..nope, na …you see, I think I get it ..
I was, and am scared of if I don’t ise my resources NOW, it will be gone.
There weren’t incidents that I could recall to stem the root of this, because each time I am left with less money than I desired, I just calm myself by soothing myself ..albeit painstakingly ruminating which to buy, usually food nowadays. There were supplies, not drugs! But essentials, noo ..it’s really like the ubat gigi and stuffs. And some. And the the desserts. To soothe myself.
I was in a panic. Who can deal with soo many blows in one’s life, right ..tapi I could have been all the wiser, emergency stashes could have been life saving.
It could have been my saviour out of life’s awkward situations.
The lesson here is to mindfully exercise restrain and calm myself that, it’s okay. Allah swt selalu tolomg get me out of harmful and difficult situations, time and time again. Duit, sikit or banyak, is just a resource. Yg oenting, sihat, ingatNya.
That’s why I was always uber optimistic, doesn’t mean I am not bogged down with questions and strategy plans in my own head, arguments with my dearly selves but these proves to be insightful. And I guess, at times I feel embarrassed too on to why am I sharing these cringe worthy moments of my life with everyone..
Maybe, in faint hope that, if so happens that one person out there had had the same kind of calamities aka challenges, he can take a few choice pointers…meaning, we don’t have to give in to corrupt powers, brutal bosses that be ..and we can still emerge from it, unscathed ( albeit, I am still have not reached my own conclusions in this).
Focusing again and again on surviving is like Famous Five’s again, or all the shipwrecked, plane crash or lost in wilderness survivors’ stories. I had always liked it. Had affinity about it. Maybe that’s why, as much as I try to control myself from whining, I can’t fully stop it if it did, but most times, I had and have always a splint or a ray of so called hope and positivity in me.
I like being in the survivor stories. And for that, I thank God. Though it is not something one asks for Christmas, Hannukah nor even Hari Raya, all fair is fair.
The most important things is the lessons derived and how I enjoy myself in the moment. How I try to make the best of what I had. Grateful, bersyukur. Whoa, that’s a mindful and a chore, but it gets better.
I guess I was sceptical myself about sharing this much because I’ve read that so does everyone, which makes my stories very downing and negatives, and a close relative of whining although I didn’t intend it that way ..who knows what people think ..
Positively, its not me posturing and painting myself as a hero, but me saying, I want to survive too, and this shit that I am going through ( not I wish you go through it too!), can happen, and do happen, and mostly I meant it to the Highly Sensitive People in Malaysia, and also at other places, who might encounter such difficulties and challenges themselves. It can be done.
We have to go through it, to grow. These ..things …are a blessing. A gift. I dunnow much about the nature of the size or package of the gift, but I assure, firmly assure myself that I will be okay, perhaps ..more enlightened? ..Sure enough, slowly that and other realisations came, bit by bit.
Being brave, being bold, is not the same as being brash, ego maniac who plunges without thinking who we hurt and cut.
Being brave is not about trying at the end of the day, it’s about living it. You be brave or not be brave. It’s a choice, call it a spur of the moment, but that’s all there is, if you chose not to at the moment it’s called for, it’ll be lost forever. Then one has to muster that ..and wait, wait for another chance ..which we never have any power to conjure it, even if we want to.
That’s why it’s strange, this business of being brave. All the rest of the world, might make a fool out of you, but fool hardy aside, it builds layers ..perhaps muscle ..muscle memory ..so we can easily brave, braver next time when the occasion comes. It’s no guarantee but it’s better than a flimsy insurance contract papers. Okay, that’s entirely my own say, perhaps insurers will have a field day on that.
Pix credit to Raku Inoue, ThisisColassal