“A degree of autonomy during the early years is also important. Longitudinal studies tracking learners confirm “that overbearing parents and teachers erode intrinsic motivation. Kids whose parents let them make their own choices about what they like are more likely to develop interests later identified as a passion.”
Excerpt From: Duckworth, Angela. “Grit.” Scribner.
He took my will. I felt helpless, though as a man, being emasculated is not an easy place to be in. Even compliancy, is a tough scenario for someone like me.
My father abused my inclination and will for obedience to yield his authority and quell my voice, rights and whatever is left of me.
How do you prosecute someone like that?
How do one go against someone like that, being one’s dad, a professor, a bit tad psychotic one at that?
I was clueless. Numb. I felt wronged. Robbed blind. And everyday, my life became smaller, and smaller.
Almost like Sang Mi, the character in Save Me, the new korean drama starring Seo Ye Jin and Tacyeon, the scene that most reverbrated with me was when she held a sharp object and ended up putting it close to her neck’s vein, in an effort to make her father, the looney, hear her out, in front of the other cult members who was trying to subjugate and use her to their own fancy.
I was in a similar situation back then. I am not proud of it. Sang Mi was a girl, how could I resorted to threatening my own life ..
..but I was at my wits end…I just wanted my father, or anyone …to listen to me.
He said he listened but then he went on ignoring my decison, trampleing on my pride and dignity. And then he said why didn’t I tell him, it’s my life for god’s sake he shouted, sounding more than miffed, victimised even…
That day, I finally saw it. When I wielded to knife, and put the sharp side of it near my wrist, just for show mind you, the one thing, the only thing that managed to startle me, startlingly dissapoint me was …
…when my father’s face changed ..he back away so fast, getting my step mom and step siblings around him, I don’t know, shielding themselves together, or himself with them ..sly! ..
…I didn’t mean it that way ..how could he misenterpreted the situation so badly..
He was, as I recall him saying, a sort of ex rela soldier …he bullies me all through my life. Abused me physically and more mentally than I could ever prayed for. Of course, he is not the worse. I survived right…
I told him, what does it take …what does it take for you to take me seriously …do I need to do this, cut my own wrist that I’m done giving in to your manipulative and psychotic bullying, I’m done treated as a charity case ..
..I am most thankful my father took me in, rather than put me up for adoption or just, for the worse part, chain and starve me. Instead, I was mentally tortured, igonered by a A high standing so called academician, a professor he is …it baffles me..how could someone like him do this …he gleefully ignored and bullied another hapless human being..who dotted upon him as all the hero he’ll ever need ..
..he is still my hero..in some ways..
I guess we are all figting some battles. Some demon, of our own.
I said goodbye then.
When my father’s reaction was to guard his life, rather than tried to snatch that knife away from me, or just do ..ANYTHING ..to stop my ..so called acting ..my version of a test ..he failed ..
..he didn’t love me that much.
He loves me. More than love, he did his duty. And that was okay. He is admirable in that way. Just like the Dursley’s, the stepsisters of Cinderella ..urgh..thats the thing right, its all the feminine stereotype ..that only women that goes through these trauma and triumphed ..
When a good man or women just let bad things happen without doing anything, that’s tragedy.
I wished my stepmom and siblings stepped in and helped.
But I was a loner even then. I already know these things. I think, as much as I fully understand that beggars can’t be choosers, I also think that … how could love be soo discriminative ..and the bias of it, cuts …
When I was igonored, cold fridged all my life, in that house, don’t they know I hurted . ..who knew they would say ..they thought I was okay…balking at the idea that they all secara berjemaah just playing tricks on me ..consciously or unconsciously, I felt it and it was real. Jadi anak tiri, amidst one big family, I tried to co exist harmoniously, how is it that I failed spectacularly ..
…most of it is because I didn’t follow up to my duty as the first born, didn’t rise to my father’s expectations. That I did not follow the plan, because deviation or failure to not be a speckle of a problem ..was the code. How could I questioned the order of things, the logic. Didn’t I know that they just wanted the best of me. So I can get on with my life and maybe if I’m successful, I can be subservient and helped all my 6 step siblings filially, though they are not the least filial to me ..oh, a life of duty and unquestioned obeyanve. For the family, because without if, who am I.
Yealah, betul. Tapi, if been living almost without one pun dari kecik. Physically, atas kertas je..the dynamics of it ..
So, there I was prepared to be who I am today. Being ignored ( owh..I’m an attention whore…lets translate it to my instagram) taught me to be self sufficient. Find my own strength.
It was hard to be around so many people, but yet, feeling lonely, and they are just being polite.
It’s like being crass without truly saying it. We felt it all the same.
And alhamd, there was lots of good that came from that.
All families are a bit of circus. Sometimes it all carnival, sometimes it Cirque de Soleil, but some times, it’s also a broken, run down funfair that stopped operating all too soon.
We make do. My story and many of us living today, I hope is about thankfulness and …a bit of hopeful resilience.
It is because of their mercy, belas kasihan, I am still here. Walaupun semua ini plan Allah swt, I am reminded that, dari manusialah comes through pertolongan dan belas. Even the hard coming ones.
And family, for all the mistakes, the warts, is sealed in fate.
Before I ever forget, I want to say this, thank you for having me in your life and sorry for making it hard for you guys. An extra mouth to feed, money for clothes, study and more. I was no cheapo although, living with my father, one gets the idea as if he really drilled me to live with bare necessities. More so than my other step siblings. He was not, maybe to my belief, as hard on them compared to me. It must be love, though still, I have not come to that age where I could fully appreciate it.
Yes, yes, being extra hard of first borns is a common universal wisdom. BS.
Though, I am most thankful for that.
I dunnow how, buy I am surviving well through lots of down. Through the pit, chasm, abyss amd all. It is still a merry ride for me, surprisingly. Is it owed to those times growing up?
But I also know that as a human being, we fight. We became resillient. Now that I am living for myself. I got my own will. My own life.
I am my own infant. There’s soo much mistakes to make.
I bet my father would have been proud. I made tons. He maybe tried to shield me from many pains too. I thought that was stupid though maybe I am thankful because he ditracted from giving me access to motorcycles or cars to me until much much much, like much later. Even then, it was for a little while before graduating after I threw a kinda my 1st ever tantrum…like fuck it all, I just wanted a bicycle ..what s wrong with you guys. I got a bicycle, and later, a car.
I am spoilt? Maybe kan..I laughed at this because I can’t act bratty for things that matter to me everytime. I have dignity and I’m all about diplomacy. Adult conversation, anyone?
My step siblings, they got access to cars, like its a given. I tak jeles sangat, cuma, what to ddo kan, why did he stopped me from having an easier life ..
Gittew la self pity and moaning how hard a life I had ..kdg2 I know I must be crazy to avt out like I did now..
But when I was being wronged by some bosses, my family didn’t ask me what went wrong. His first instict is to blame me. He was not proud that I stood my fround. Being ethical, working hard, very hard. Not that smart, because I got sailang-ed by mean office politikers many s times. I thought, of all people, of all families, my family would have welcomed me as champion. Saying words I already know like, tak apa, rezeki ada, sabar, start again, its okay. Lagi I call nak mintak tolong, terus letak telefon. Don’t come back, your step mom doesn’t want you home ..kate ayah.
I saw this coming. Pasal harta ke nie ..all I wanted was your love. My step siblings love. i tak pernah marah mereka masa kecik, growing up together. That’s how loving and tender I was. Alas, My bond is thin, breakable it seems. Not one, not one missed me.
Maybe they do, but life goes on for me. At least I say to myself, let me take the brave rowds, least one day you wanted to carve your own destiny, your brother has made his journey. Maybe as an inspiration, paling tidak sbg warning.
I have like 8 adik tiri. Tapi, they are all strangers to me. One particular kid, my mom paksa and put in words in his mouth to speak to me. i heard it at the background, during the call. He didn’t care or really want to speak to me. Noted. We are much strangers than we can admit.
So, my premise mcm tuelah. Lonely ke idak, its a situation yg I have to grapple and deal with it. And its okay, it gets better.
Walau semua ignore, even at my lowest, in my sinful state, I thought God’s grace spoke to me in various ways, giving me hope and finding my purpose.
I don’t live to get my step siblings undivided and unconditional love.
But I do pray, they find the happiness they deserve. All of them, their familed and all.
After all, in many ways, even in my toughest state, I thought, I was still happy.
So, surprisingly so, though I feel they must all have it in much a undance, if they don’t, I hope God will give then ways and respite to seek one.
Pic credit to ZariaForman, ThisisColossal.com